Smoking Blog

So today is supposed to be my last day smoking. It’s also been kind of bleep-tastic. 

Not because of smoking. Just… well,  my private life sucks. I’m not talking to my family for various reasons, and pretty much everyone at the office,  except for one good friend, forgot my birthday. Not that they should care.  Plus… whatever. I’ll stop bellyaching now.  I’m just back in depression mode. 

I think I need some Prozac or something.  

Anyway, I told all my friends that they can’t give me cigarettes anymore unless I’m in a terrible state.

Funny that I feel that way today. But this is how all — or nearly all — of my birthdays go.

I doubt it’s lung cancer. But maybe I’m dying at the ripe age of 30.  

It feels the worst in the middle of my upper back area. Woke up this morning feeling this way. 

I’m too cheap to go to the doctor — I’m trying to get out of debt, not into it. And I’d have to be falling down dead or bleeding severely to go to the ER. 

I doubt it’s from smoking. Haven’t done much of that lately. Just one cig on Sunday. 

That’s all I have to report.

First off, sorry I haven’t written in a while.

I’m still in the same spot as last time I wrote. No smoking on my own. Usually have one after practice or if I go to the bar.  Social smoker extraordinaire. 

So while I now consider myself a partial non-smoker, I’m kind of annoyed about a potential smoking ban I recently learned of at a meeting. I’m not peeved about the ban itself — that’s a good and reasonable thing, since no one should have to breathe second-hand smoke—  but about the lack of smokers’ rights. 

 I may have my info wrong, but it sounds like they won’t even be able to smoke in their cars once this ban is implemented.  I’m sorry, but if I’m sitting in my car — not that I do this anymore — I should be able to pollute the air within,  Right? It’s my personal space. I paid for it.  I’m sure others feel the same way.

One argument against the ban suggested that if smoking should be prohibited, so should fatty foods. But second-hand smoke travels through the air, permeates an environment whether or not you can smell it. Calories don’t work that way (Duh).

One part of the potential ban also calls it tobacco-free not smoke-free. Meaning that someone who chews tobacco could get in trouble. Don’t get me wrong. Chewing is terribly gross, but how does that impact others? It doesn’t travel like second-hand smoke. It’s more akin to those fatty foods.

My point in these two cases — car smoking and tobacco-chewing — while kind of yucky, don’t seem to present a public health issue. So why are they being included?

All right folks,  I know it’s been a few days, so here’s a belated update.

I’m feeling much better, but am still a bit phlegmy (yucko). 

I’ve also had three or four cigarettes since last writing.  

That’s it. My b-day is in about three weeks.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, sniffles and a series of sneezes. Sigh. 

Sore throat have always been a harbinger of doom for me — I used to get Strep throat a lot as a kid — now I just have to wait for the storm. 

I blame my diseased state on sick co-workers, practicing derby in the cold,  cute gas station boy, and going to a school board meeting with coughing teenagers and teachers.

Why do you care, you may ask? Well, a bout of sickyness means this little reporter won’t be smoking. I hate smoking when I’m sick. It’s uncomfortable, tastes like poo (more than it does normally) and is generally unpleasant. 

So, raise your Dayquil, folks! This may be the thing I’ve been looking for.

I didn’t do much on Saturday except watch movies from the library (“Gangs of New York” was kind of amazing). Then I spent an hour curling my eyelashes and drying my only pair of blue jeans for a teammate’s party.  We were celebrating her boyfriend’s 28th birthday with chicken and waffles. On the way, I also met the hottest gas station attendant in existence at Safeway.  He said he wiped snot on my debit card.  ::Giggle:: Wait, that’s gross. (Nicotine: 0) 

Anyway,  almost as soon as I got to the party, the score changed. A plastic cup full of Jack Daniels and pop later, and I found myself asking everyone and their father (really!)  to let me bum a cigarette. Even people who have read this blog let me have one or two. At least I think they did.  You know who you are! (Nicotine: 80 zillion)

Really, I appreciate their generosity and should be ashamed by my lack of will power, but ::shrug:: I’ve transformed into a social smoker. 

I still have about four weeks until my birthday to completely quit, so one serious night off the wagon and several weekly nicotine indiscretions won’t kill me. Of course, dear readers, you’ve read such words before.

Should I be apologetic? ashamed? Eh.

I had a last cigarette with my girlfriends who hit the road on their move to Seattle today.

It just hit me that they won’t be around anymore. ::Pout:: It sucks when friends move away.

I miss you guys already!

I helped two friends move last night. And in the process, I smoked a lot of a certain person’s cigarettes. So much so that I have no idea how many I actually had.

On the plus side, this source will soon no longer be available. On the negative side, I haven’t even tried to deny myself when I’m with my friends.  And of course two of my besties are moving far far away, to a foreign land called War-shing-ton. 

I’m not sure if I feel more guilty about mooching smokes or actually smoking off them.

I’m going to preface this entry by admitting that I’m on a weird David Bowie kick after watching a very strange episode of “Flight of the Conchords.”

This of course led me to Youtube-ing Labyrinth.

Ahem. Anyway, I think that I’m somewhat similar to the character Sarah. Like her, I don’t really want to grow up.

I guess that’s evident in a lot of aspects of my life.  And while I do manage to be a functional adult, I do know that I’m holding onto some childish things — like smoking, although now to a lesser degree — just because I like it. I’ve told you all that I’m the most self-indulgent person I know. 

But smoking isn’t doing anything for me.  

Like Sarah realizes at one point in the story,” it’s all junk.” Smoking doesn’t define me. It’s merely something to do with my hands, an excuse to talk with people privately or strike up a conversation at all. 

I want to learn how to get beyond the crutch.  I’m almost there. But social smoking is obviously the hardest thing to give up.

Social smoking continues to be my downfall.

Not because my girlfriends are offering. I ask for cigarettes unsolicited. 

Yes. I’m moochy. Yes, I need to tap into my willpower. No, my friends are not bad friends. 

This whole thing is my responsibility. 

In terms of the grander scheme, I’m really not doing badly.

I’m not buying cigarettes, I haven’t smoked in my car in weeks, I don’t pine for smokes. I can even drink with non smokers and go on a road trip ( Roseburg this last weekend to visit the Spirit Halloween store with a buddy) without giving cigarettes a second thought,

But if I see a friend light up, the next few words out of my mouth are: Can I bum one?

Ick. I’m pathetic. But (pat on the back) I’m not as pathetic as I was!

Regarding other areas of my life, my teammates and I went and saw “Whip It” at the movie theater on Saturday.  It’s a pretty good roller derby movie, and it was nice for the rest of the world to see why we love our sport so much. Anyway, we got three newbies from ladies who watched it. Yay!